Kindness Is Not Weakness. It's the Power to Tell the Truth.

Kellan Fluckiger

00:00

Don't mistake my kindness for weakness. Welcome to the show. Tired of the hype about living the dream? It's time for true. This is the place for tools, power, and real talk so you can create the life you dream and deserve. Your ultimate life. Subscribe, share, create.

00:29

You have infinite power. Welcome to your ultimate life. How many times have you heard that usually been issued as a veiled threat or maybe an overt threat? Don't mistake my kindness for weakness. And what it is saying is just because I've been nice to you doesn't mean I don't have the ability, the will, the capability, the strength, whatever to rip your head off and stomp on your neck.

00:58

is kind of what it feels like. Now, that's not what we're going to talk about today. Today, the subject is kindness. And the acronym, ooh, the offensive word that's actually become so commonplace. It's almost like a stop word in political discussions and in public discourse. And I find that disgusting beyond description. But anyway, the acronym I'm using is the one F U C K. Fierce.

01:28

unapologetic, consistent and kind. Now, this is the episode on kindness. And it might seem weird that the word kindness is in that acronym or in an acronym that spells the word that is most often used for anger and bitterness and, you know, physical activity, too. But, you know, other stuff. And I'm doing it on purpose.

01:57

My mission, my reason for breathing air every day is to reach 300 million people. To help you truly understand your worth. W, your identity. I, your possibility. P, your ownership. O, and your sovereignty. S.

02:26

We live in a world that has degraded, diminished and tossed aside all those things. But that does not make them untrue. Your worth is infinite. Your identity is a divine creation with the literal divine seeds of DNA in your spirit. P is possibility with such a noble heritage. Your possibility is without limit. Now, I'm not naive enough to not see

02:56

Right? That people are born in different circumstances, some with physical difficulties, some with mental difficulties, some in starvation places, some in factories of abuse and difficulty. I know that that does not change the individual worth of each person or their identity or their possibility. It is true that in some circumstances, the possibility in this moment

03:26

this week, this year, this decade might be limited by externalities. But there are a whole host of things that are going on in the world individually and collectively to address those things. And it doesn't diminish the possibility. And it's certainly not a reason for us to say, oh, the concept's crap. Look at that and point to a particular example. That just mean the possibility is either more difficult

03:56

or gate hasn't been opened yet. O is ownership, which means that every second in my life, I own my choices, I own my thinking, I own my response. And sovereignty means that I am the master, the captain of my soul. That poet, excuse me, the poem that I love and you do too, that I have memorized and I use it all the time, as long as as well as other companion.

04:25

poems because I don't believe that I have the final say of everything. There is a God and a creator, which is how come we have a divine identity anyway. That's the message. And what we do with that message is create wealth, impact, income and purpose, prosperity and joy. We learn and create the ultimate life, the life we want to live. We love it every day. There's no pretending. There's no lying. There's no hiding. There's no games. It's not just a buzzword.

04:53

Cool thing to say old my life purpose prosperity and joy blah blah blah blah No, no, no truth So here's the question for you first one. There'll be many today if you knew without question That you could live a life of purpose Prosperity which includes all the cash and joy. What would you be willing to do to create it?

05:19

crawl over broken glass, work hard, do hard things, do easy things. People automatically say, yeah, I do anything. But as soon as the list of things starts showing up required and it's like, oh man, I don't want to do that. Or it's not fair that I have to do this or that or whatever, right? All the excuses. So purpose, prosperity and joy is available to all of us. So that's the first part of the mission. The second part is where this acronym comes because delivering that message

05:47

can be done in a lot of ways. I could go from city to city and spray graffiti on large walls and, you know, populate that message. I could buy a small byline in three thousand newspapers and populate that message. I could climb up on top of a mountain and shout. I could have airplanes with those message banners fly. Right. Or and I can also whisper it. I could go in the marketplace and whisper it.

06:16

I can stand on a street corner with a megaphone and scream myself hoarse. There's lots of ways to do it, and those are the physical ways. Here is how I choose to deliver that message. I speak, I sing, I write music, I speak in many seminars, speak online, I'm active on social media, YouTube and all those places. Why? To spread that message. That's how I use it. Now the manner, I could be very mild. I went to see a

06:44

doctor this morning and the ENT, ear, nose and throat guy, to check ears and to check my vocal cords and some things. Doesn't matter why, but I went there and he was interesting, very mild-mannered fellow with, you know, glasses and thin, quite thin. And he looked like an ENT doctor. I don't know what I expected him to look like, but when I walked in, I was in the office or in the chair already, but when he came in, I'm like, yeah, there's no question, no question there. Anyway.

07:15

The manner in which I deliver the message is where F U C K comes from. Fierce, unapologetic, consistent and kind. I'm fierce about my knowledge and certainty of the message. I am unapologetic about what I believe, what I know, what I've experienced and what I've seen in my own life and the life of many others. I am consistent every day in different ways.

07:43

The message is out there. Why? Because I don't think I'll reach 300 million otherwise. The last K is what we're talking about today. Kindness has been neutered, right? Completely removed of its true meaning. It has been confused with weakness. That's why I opened it this way. Kindness has somehow been equated with timidity or with being a doormat.

08:12

No, that's why people say, you know, don't confuse my kindness with weakness. That's cultural confusion. Right. Right. It has become confused with being nice. It has become confused with agreement or accommodation or with smiling or avoiding offense or hiding your true feelings or never saying anything uncomfortable and a list of other things that you probably thought of.

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a bunch of others while I said that. That isn't kindness. Sometimes it's fear. Sometimes it's like approval addiction. Sometimes it's cowardice.

08:55

Kindness is not the refusal to create discomfort. Sometimes love creates immediate and substantial discomfort to prevent larger harm. If someone runs across the street and tackles somebody to get them out of the way of a car, maybe they both crash to the pavement and somebody gets all scratched up and bleeding, but they're not dead. Right?

09:25

So, kindness is a genuine selfless concern for the well-being of someone else. That's being kind. It is related to compassion, which is the truth of lifting and blessing someone. It has nothing to do with wishy-washy. It has nothing to do with being a wimp ass or afraid. Now, there's such a thing as compassion without truth.

09:55

There's also such a thing as truth without compassion. Neither one of those is very effective. Neither one of those makes a big change in the world. Compassion without truth. Right is not very effective and neither is truth without compassion. This this distinction. Is important because compassion without truth can be enabling. We can simply enable.

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harmful, nonproductive and other even worse behaviors. Compassion without truth and truth without compassion can become anger, violence, right? And so we need to have both or we're missing the boat. So if you have a friend who's destroying themselves, this is the age old thing. Somebody you're with somebody in night out and somebody's wasted. And then comes the time to go home.

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Right? Friends destroying themselves, taking their life in their hands and other lives by deciding to drive. Kindness isn't sharing and it isn't watching. It's also not humiliation. It might be the hard conversation. You can't drive. Getting in the way. Preventing that from happening. Calling a cab. Whatever it takes. That's kindness.

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Now, let's say you've got an employee that's underperforming. Silence may feel nice. Accommodation may feel, you know, I'm conflict avoidant. But withholding useful truth will harm the employee. It harms the team. It harms the clients. Right? It's not good. So kindness is truth with compassion. You might have a child making dangerous choices.

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Love doesn't mean no boundaries. It is not permissive. Kindness is not, you know, letting people do whatever they want. Yourself, if you repeatedly break your own commitments, self-condemnation is truth without compassion. That's harmful and doesn't result in growth. If you are self-excusing, that's just equally useless.

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Right? It accomplishes nothing. Growth doesn't happen or anything. kindness tells the truth, but refuses the whip. I want you to think about this. OK, the worth of us, human worth is not up for vote. Now, you know, and I know of many examples where the value of human life seems to be diminished. Unkindness going on all over in the world.

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countries suspected of and guilty of human rights violations, slave labor, those kinds of things. And I'm not talking about I'm talking about real slave labor, where people are literally forced in horrible circumstances to work for either nothing or for simply, you know, to stay alive for the good of, quote, the regime or the, you know, the wealth and the grand isement of

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somebody who happens to be in power. That's just wronger than wrongs. And every person, one of those people, person who has this or that challenge, mental, physical, spiritual, social, it doesn't matter. Their worth is the same as the wealthiest, most well-adjusted person. God doesn't create garbage. We don't have all the answers about why things are tough and why people have certain challenges.

13:48

So not going to give a speech about that because I don't have the answer. So what I said to start with W is worth. And it's infinite, it is non-negotiable. Even if someone makes mistakes or does things wrong, know, someone has said, you know, if you had had exactly the same experiences as they did, you would do the same thing. Now, I don't know if that's true because we come differently.

14:16

You know, even twins that are born in the same household are different. Their personalities are different. We come from somewhere and we bring stuff with us. Attitudes and personalities in our physical bodies may be the same, but the spirit inside is different. So a person's religion, a person's politics, a person's failure, their behavior, their addiction.

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Their wealth, their poverty, their education, their brilliance, their stupidity, their agreement with you or disagreement doesn't determine their fundamental worth. It's one of the things missing from the conversation these days.

15:07

we act like, or we see a lot of folks act like, if you disagree with me, you're stupid and bad. Neither of those things are true. In fact, your view is as good as mine. I may disagree. It doesn't make my behavior or yours consequence free. You can easily oppose a person's action or their belief with

15:36

everything you you possess and still refuse to deny their humanity. Right now, you know, Joy and I live in Canada, but United States is preparing for an election in a month or so. And

15:55

The name calling and vitriol is unacceptable. It's filthy, it's awful, it's repugnant, repulsive. And everybody's doing it. Everybody thinks they've got to do it in order to stay, you know, fire with fire, all that crap. It's degrading. And it's our opportunity to refuse to participate not only in that, but anything like it. Gossip at the office, running people down. What if we built them up? What if we truly tried to help them?

16:25

If we thought they were misguided and didn't get mad if they didn't want our help. It's so essential in politics right now, I can fight your idea without needing to hate your existence. And we have crossed that line not only in politics, but many things. So just hold on to that thought. You can disagree with someone's idea with all your heart and you don't need to hate their existence. had a funny example of that that I'll share with you.

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And that's this. I am.

16:59

I was called to testify, I have been several times, as an expert witness in a court case. And it was a matter of money, not a matter of criminal behavior, but a matter of money. And there were several million dollars, tens of millions, actually, at stake, lot of money. So on the table. And I was being deposed by the attorney on the other side.

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the side that had retained me, I was their expert witness, I was being deposed by the other side. And that attorney, the other guy's attorney, he came at me with every approach and every trick that he had, trying to confuse me, just like you see on TV, trying to confuse me, trying to press me into saying something I didn't mean, trying to get me to answer questions that didn't have anything to do with this.

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just kept at it, just kept at it, just kept at it. And I wasn't a novice at this. And I testified in many regulatory and other kinds of hearings and before Congress, even in the U.S. and before legislative bodies in lots of places. So I was familiar with that. And I had a thing, you know, I would ask me, he'd ask me a question and maybe there was paper in front of me and maybe there wasn't. I might remove my glasses and

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look around and take a minute and then I would always answer slowly and have a three or four second pause, not big long and so forth. And I might even say, you know, and did a few times, you know, I, I think I understand what you're trying to get me to say. And I'm just not going to do that. And he was clearly, you know, foiled again and he would go out in another way. And he got loud and noisy and pushy and just like you see attorneys do right. So after

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two hours of solid deposition of that. Then it was lunchtime. And when we broke for lunch, that attorney and I had lunch together. And it was the funniest thing because he looked at me and he said, I've been at you for two hours and you haven't told me a damn thing. And shook his head, right? Like,

19:22

But the procedural animosity or the procedural tools to get me to do something were that. And there was no personal attack in it, even though they had been vigorous cross examination. So that was just a funny example that out of my personal experience where he was fighting the idea and he was trying to get me tangled up and do something to score a win or points or something for his client.

19:51

But it didn't have anything to do with denying humanity or treating someone as bad or evil or wrong. So I'm going to say that line again, and I want you to just hold it in your heart. I can fight your idea, your position, your proposal with all I got without needing to hate your existence or wish you were dead or say things like that. You know, one of the things I notice in the public square these days is because the Internet's forever, right? We know that.

20:20

old tweets and posts and everything come up to haunt that person should be you know and they have all that kind of stuff not nice not good not required someone's stupidity brilliance poverty education wealth behavior failure doesn't determine their worth and neither does my opinion or your opinion and the differences that we have all right so let's move on to the next thing kindness what is it well

20:50

It is, we've talked a little bit about what it is, it's acting in someone's best interest, that's kind of love. Love is that kindness is choosing to do what is right. It's strong enough to be misunderstood, but it's doing it without demeaning, without negativity, without violence. And that's why I put it in this acronym because fierce can be mistaken for arrogance.

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or unapologetic can, fierce can be mistaken for cruelty if it's not tempered by kindness. But kindness by itself is strong. If you're a Christian, you remember that Jesus said, blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. A meek isn't something that we use a lot, but meekness means strong, resolute, unmoved,

21:48

and not brash or boastful. Kindness is the same way. So sometimes kindness means saying something to somebody that they won't appreciate today. Okay, it might mean, it will mean often. I'm not even going to couch this. If you tell a child, kids are easy to use for examples, can't have a candy bar every day, they get mad and have a temper tantrum, and you know,

22:17

You know, it's not good for their diet. They'll end up overweight with rotten teeth and a palate that is not healthy. And they're not going to appreciate that right now. I remember, you know, I have been told I had to go to bed at a certain time and I was a kid growing up and I didn't want to especially in the summertime, still light outside. So correction correction in the workplace, challenging someone, even in the public square discourse, disagreement strongly. That is still just fine. And that is

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handling the, you know, the conflicting side. The obvious things of kindness are paying it forward, seeing the beauty in someone else. I was talking to someone the other day who was a guest on my podcast, and they said that they were in a grocery store and they were in line and there was a person in front of them. And for some reason, they just had this impression that they were going to buy that person's groceries. So they did.

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And there was a little protest, but not much. In fact, the way that my guest told it is he walked up and handed the clerk credit card and said, buy their groceries. And the clerk goes, oh, man, no, no, no, no. And he insisted. So he did. And the patron, you know, protested a little and didn't. But then afterwards, and the parking lot, the person who had received the kindness told a story about.

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You know, the husband losing it was the wife that was buying groceries, the husband losing the job and this kind of hardship, etc, etc. And now this absolutely gave him another week's runway. Kindness going out of your way, open a door, smile, lift something, help somebody sort something, stay after help with somebody's work. Love, kindness, fierce. can be violence without

24:12

Kindness unapologetic is arrogant without kindness Consistency is rigidity without kindness so it work Same thing if your boss doesn't confront you and the only time you know something's wrong is when you get a crappy performance review and you don't know why and you don't get the raise or the opportunity of the project you thought you were gonna get

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You're mad, but the leader wasn't kind by avoiding it. They were cruel. They were conflict avoidant. They were looking out for their own safety instead of your growth. Other places where people might not appreciate something, a leader might need to correct, whether it's at work or in some other place, a boundary that gets violated. Right? People

25:08

feel like kindness is being squishy about their boundaries. No, it's not. That leads to bullying. It leads to other kinds of things that are worse. Another place is ending a relationship. Tolerating things that shouldn't be tolerated in a relationship. Maybe it's something in the family. Maybe it's a business relationship. Maybe it's a partnership or a marriage. Kindness is doing what needs to be done now.

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without anger or violence because it's good in the long run, even if it's difficult in the short term. There might need to be an intervention of some kind. Now, there used to be a program on TV called Intervention about families that staged interventions for busted loved ones. I have a story about one of those little curl your hair, but that isn't the subject of today's show. Intervention in a given situation.

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There's a problem developing on the playground and the teacher goes out and gets in between. Refusing money or opportunity in a certain situation, all money that gets offered is not clean. Refusing to rescue someone might be kind. Refusing to rescue at a client some years ago who had a child that was an, you know, abusing substances and kept leaning on them for money and they kept feeling bad.

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And at some point, you know, I helped her see that that was not being kind, so refusing to rescue. Kindness might be calling someone on their bullshit. You know, that's just saying stuff, trying to bamboozle people and calling it. Kindness does not demand immediate gratitude. There's often times when kindness will be rewarded with negativity.

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If your kindness requires that the recipient thank you, maybe it's still about you. Maybe that service was to make you feel good so you could get the pat. Yuck!

27:20

Without that, service can be clean, unattached, and just purely loving what is. Love doesn't require applause. So I have an operational definition of love that I use. Love is a choice, it's an action, it's a verb, and it means choosing to use my resources. And I define them as the way I do my daily creation.

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SPEM, spiritual, physical, emotional, mental. Love is a choice to use your spiritual, physical, emotional, or mental resources to bless someone and serve them in their highest and best interest. If we do that, we are loving. And it does not require applause, because when we demand that, it isn't about the service or the love or the kindness. It's about me. WIIFM. What's in it for me?

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Love doesn't require applause from the person who is being loved. Now there are lot of parallels between tough love and the kindness we've been talking about. And I'm talking mostly about that kind because the other stuff's easy. When we see each other for the divine beings we are and we look for the gifts and talents and we honor them, saying good things, being joyful, building people up is easy and natural.

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If we're unconfident or not confident in our own worth, Wippos worth, identity, possibility, ownership and sovereignty, then it feels like pulling teeth because when we give kindness or love to somebody else, feels like somehow our reserve is diminished. And of course, that's nonsense. Now, let's go to another version, not version, another variation of this about being kind toward yourself.

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You've heard it said, said yourself, everyone is their own worst critic. Well, that's not funny.

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I don't know about you, but I used to talk to myself violently, angrily, furiously, fiercely, bitterly inside a way I would never speak to anyone else out loud. A way I would never allow, you know, one friend to speak to another. Cringe-worthy horrible stuff.

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That's not kindness. That's cruelty. Now you go to the other end of the spectrum. Kindness toward yourself is not a hall pass. It's not permission to do whatever you want. It's not, you know, permissiveness. It's not ignoring boundaries or rules. It's none of that. So when you take care of yourself, kindness is forgiveness. Kindness is generosity. Kindness is taking time.

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to care for your spiritual, your physical, your emotional and your mental needs. That is kindness. True love to yourself and for yourself is the ultimate spirituality. You know, love God and love our neighbors. Somebody said that several places in many different sacred texts and common sense texts. Love is to lift and bless.

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not be envious, bitter, or looking to hurt someone else or push them down so you can rise up. And again, be some people say a lot of self-help books, be nice to yourself. That's it's often misunderstood. The self-help world often gets this wrong. Self-kindness is not, whatever, I'm doing my best, so back off. When you know damn well you're not.

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That's a hall pass. And in the end, we pay for that. We pay for that by lack of opportunity, lack of growth and loss of self-respect. Because if I know I'm not trying hard and I make up excuses, I don't grow. If I say I wasn't trying very hard, I'm going to forgive myself for that and get my butt in gear. That is forgiveness and kindness. It is not saying

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I'm useless. That's not true either. Other end of the spectrum. Real kindness says, tell the truth. All of the truth. That was a mistake. I wouldn't do that again. Let's clean that up and start again or move forward. Kindness in yourself separates your worth from your behavior.

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Worth is infinite and non-negotiable. Behavior can be all kinds of wrong, and it needs to be repaired. But it's separate from worth. Sometimes kindness needs repair or helps with repair, and sometimes it's about recommitting. Sometimes kindness drives us to learn and then return from somewhere we shouldn't have been or return to love.

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in ourselves. Calling yourself a failure doesn't repair a broken agreement. So if I've agreed to do something and I don't, yelling at myself does nothing except make me feel bad and break me down. It doesn't take responsibility. It doesn't fix the broken agreement. It doesn't finish whatever I said I would do. Right. So instead, I have a little saying.

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Whenever I fall or fail in any of my declarations, and I have a lot of them that I have memorized and I use every day, I get up, fess up, clean it up and recommit. And that's a joyful process. Get up simply means I'm not going to stay down. Fess up, I own whatever happened. Clean it up, whatever's possible. Sometimes you can't clean it up exactly, but you do what you can.

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Get up, up, clean it up, and then recommit. Because if it's the truth of who you want to be, kindness calls us forward to reaffirm what we have said. We own the pattern and we take clean action. That might repair something. Compassion and responsibility, they actually belong together. Wow. Think about that.

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So let's go back to the acronym, fierce, unapologetic, consistent and kind.

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Fierce kindness. I'm going to give you some ideas about what that might be. Fierce kindness is, know what, I love you too much to participate in the lie.

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I'm not going to let you lie to yourself about who you are, what you're worth, what you're capable of, or whether or not you actually tried. An apologetic kindness. I will not apologize for loving you enough to tell the truth.

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That's sometimes the kindest thing we can do is tell the truth. the whole idea of the emperor's new clothes, right? Somebody had to call the truth consistency in kindness. I treat your humanity as sacred. I treat your worth as non-negotiable. Right. I treat your identity as given. Your humanity is sacred, even if I'm tired, even if I'm angry, even if I'm disappointed.

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and you've pissed me off even if I'm opposed to you. That doesn't mean being quiet and not speaking your truth. It is not weakness. It is formidable power. Can you imagine? Maybe you know people like maybe you're like this. You treat people's humanity as sacred. Treat them kindly even if you're tired. You're angry about something, disappointed or opposed.

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That's power. That's formidable power. Because maybe, just maybe, the strongest person in the room might be the one who has enough power to wound and chooses instead to tell the truth with love. I want you to hold on to that thought for a minute. The strongest person in the room

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may just be the one who has the power to wound or to destroy and instead chooses to tell the truth but do it with love, with lifting, with possibility, with kindness. So let's ask a question. Maybe something to remember is to ask this. If I'm being kindness, what would kindness really do here?

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Now, kindness is mixed with love powerfully and frequently. What would kindness do here if kindness were a person, not a doormat, not permissive? Real kindness rooted in love and growth. The question isn't what would be nice that has to do with etiquette and how you speak and other things. Maybe the question instead is what would actually serve in the long run?

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Whether or not it's what you want to do or say in the short run may not even be on the table. What would actually serve here? Maybe kindness would be to listen instead of speak. So often we listen in order to respond. We listen to hear our own coolness. We listen because we think we're so smart. Maybe it's to listen and acknowledge. Maybe it's to listen so intently.

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with so much love that we literally listen them into existence in a way they've never been heard before. Maybe the kind thing to do is apologize instead of make excuses and explanations. Maybe the kind thing in a certain situation is to leave. Maybe the kind thing in a certain situation is to stay when you feel otherwise or to confront

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when it's safer and to be conflict avoidant. Maybe the kind thing is to suck it up and to forgive with an open heart. Maybe the kind thing is to give time, money, attention, acknowledgement.

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What if it's not to think about what's in it for me, but what will bless them?

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Maybe kindness is to stop giving money, like the example I talked about earlier.

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Maybe kindness is to stop being afraid and to make the phone call. Maybe the kind of thing kind thing to do is to shut up and say no more. Or the kind thing might be to speak. Or to set a boundary, a real boundary that's safe for you, for them, for others. Maybe the kind thing to do is to offer another chance.

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second chance, a third chance. Or maybe the kind thing to do might be to stop offering chances. But and the reason I use those, you know, juxtapositions that were opposite, it was intentional, because kindness requires discernment. And often the discernment we use is, what does it feel like for me? Can I do this? Offer chances, not offer chances, give money, not give money, right?

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Kindness asks what is true the right thing for the other person? Now self-kindness is not to be ignored and you cannot and must not leave yourself or remain in situations that are dangerous or harmful or any of that stuff and I'm not saying it. But there are so many times when if we stopped and truly asked what would serve here? Really? Like what would actually

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bless the situation, the person or the people in the long run, and then simply choose to do it because we can. It is within our power to be kind. It is within our power to be more kind than we have been. I invite you amid the fierce and apologetic and consistency to be kind, be fierce enough to protect what matters.

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Be unapologetic enough to tell the truth and consistent enough that people know who you are, where you stand and consistent enough that your love will survive in convenience and kind enough that no cause, no argument, no failure and no disagreement gives you or me position or permission to forget

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or negate the divine worth of another human being. I love the acronym because it reminds me of who I am, who I want to be, and who I insist that I become. Even though I fall or fail in declarations and I have to get up, fess up, clean it up, and recommit. I love you. You have WIPOS.

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Worth identity, possibility, ownership and sovereignty. You have a message, have value and you have worth. And there's nothing that can prevent you, if you want it, from living your ultimate life. Right here, right now.

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Massive growth is right in front of you. Every episode gives you practical tips and practices that will change everything. If you want to know more, go to kellenflukegermedia.com. If you want more free tools, go here, yourultimatelife.ca. Subscribe, share.