Stop Punishing Yourself. Your Worst Mistake Does Not Deserve Your Whole Life.

Kellan Fluckiger

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What if that terrible thing you keep saying to yourself isn't making you more responsible? What if it's simply keeping you in prison? You can acknowledge what you did, repair what you can, change how you live, and stop requiring yourself to suffer forever as proof that you care. Welcome to the show. Tired of the hype about living the dream? It's time for truth.

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This is the place for tools, power and real talk so you can create the life you dream and deserve. Your ultimate life. Subscribe, share, create. You have infinite power. Welcome to your ultimate life. The podcast created to help you and me live a life of purpose, prosperity and joy.

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by serving with our gifts and talents. know, people say all the time, we're more alike than we are different. You know what one of the most common things is? It's the same for all of us. We all screw up. We all botch things. We all even do things intentionally in that are selfish or cruel or unkind that later we just wonder why we did that. And then, know, we do we go on a journey and punish ourselves forever as if permanent punishment and self

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flogging somehow fix it. Well, they don't. So let's talk about what to do instead. People carry and maybe you do this, judge, jury and executioner, prosecuting attorney around inside your own head. A conversation 10 years ago, a failed marriage, a business failure, somebody that ripped you off, some kind of an addiction, an opportunity wasted, maybe some kind of trauma that you

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intentionally or unintentionally inflicted on others. Words that you just can't retrieve. Someone that you hurt. Someone you couldn't save. And so the evidence plays again and again, over and over. I should have done this. I could have done that. What if I'd said this? It's my fault and on and on and on. And here's the thing, the sentence pronounced by that judge in your head is always the same.

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Guilty. Failure. You suck. You shouldn't. You're bad. you know, a hundred other versions of that. And then somehow the trial starts over tomorrow. And, know, maybe it's a triggering event. Maybe you remember something. You see a picture. Somebody calls or whatever. But the thing stays the same. I should have known better. I can't flipping believe I did that. And here's one of my favorites. If people really knew.

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They would hate me. I don't deserve to be happy yet. Maybe if I hurt long enough and bad enough, the debt will finally be paid. But who's collecting the payment? Who becomes safer or healed or fed or encouraged or loved because I keep sentencing myself or you do? There's a huge difference between feeling a consequence

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and manufacturing additional suffering. Grief and remorse are honest and they may take some time, but self-punishment becomes a way of just repeating the verdict when the next responsible action is actually available. So if the courtroom in your head, now write this one down, if the courtroom in your head produces no new truth and no new repair,

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It has stopped being a court of justice and instead it's become a prison I want you to hold on to that because I I used to do that. Maybe i'm the only one I don't know I did a video a long time ago many years ago Called how to hurt how to forgive yourself when you hurt someone And that has been my most popular video on youtube 150 000 views And it's still views every week and an endless stream of comments

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About people who've hurt someone else And they can't forgive themselves. That's why I wanted to talk about this More stop punishing yourself stop right now Accountability isn't self-hatred You're not required to hate yourself or punish yourself forever because Because you did something even something intentional or unkind, you know, often people talk about mistakes we made maybe you decided to be selfish and

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Do something you knew was really going to hurt someone. That carries a special kind of pain. I know because I've done that. Doing something I knew was wrong and it was going to hurt somebody and I did it anyway. At the time, I wasn't thinking I'm making myself feel better by hurting them. And in fact, what I've learned since then is that whole thing of not good enough and punishing myself to prove I suck.

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was one of the main reasons. But let's not go down that road for a minute right now because it's not relevant. What is relevant is your suffering or mine doesn't fix the problem. Sometimes we get caught in the idea that if whoever hurt us or not hurt us, whoever we hurt sees us still suffering, that they somehow get healing. That's not true.

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And if someone that you heard gets joy out of watching you writhe around in pain emotionally or physically or financially, then they have a journey to go on to. It's not helpful. No one in that way adds good to the world. So let's talk about what real accountability is, because this isn't dismissing accountability. So let's talk about what it is. We're not going to play games here. People do harm.

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Accountability is real. Okay. Sometimes it's in the legal system. Sometimes it's in that infinite courtroom in our heads and hearts. So let's get real. People do harm. We lie. We betray. We take something that isn't ours. Physically, spiritually, emotionally. We neglect somebody. We break our own word. We sometimes damage things that we can't restore. You break a window, you can put it back.

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You damage trust. You know, that's a whole different game. Sometimes it comes back and sometimes it doesn't. Often it doesn't even depend on us. So let's get clear about what forgiveness is, because that's really what we're talking about. Stop punishing yourself. We either do it because we pretend whatever happened away. I'm not saying that ever. We stop punishing ourselves because we pretend it doesn't matter. I'm not saying that either.

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So we're not pretending it away like it never happened. We're not pretending it doesn't matter. Forgiveness doesn't mean it never happened. It doesn't mean nobody was harmed. It doesn't mean there are no real consequences. It doesn't mean either that the other person owes me reconciliation. And it also doesn't mean I don't need to change. OK, forgiveness, in fact, I know it's a double negative.

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Forgiveness means I do need to change. So here's what real accountability is. Face the truth of what happened without excuse or judgment or blaming or shouting or screaming or groveling. None of that repairs anything. None of that changes us. And so I want you to think about the thing that's on your heart that maybe you did.

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that burned somebody to the ground. You were unfaithful. You lied. You cheated. You did something that you hurt someone you love. Or, you know, something like that and you're, you know, drowning in your own shame and grief. So here's what accountability actually means. Let's let's think about this, because this is what will change it. So we can stop punishment, right? We face what happened without an excuse.

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You name the actual behavior. I lied to you about this. I cheated about that. I was not faithful to a spouse in the past, and after decades, I had a chance to have a conversation with a woman that I cheated with at the time. And my first thought to her was to apologize. And I did. Name the behavior. Own what was yours.

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and accept whatever consequences there are. sometimes people want to beat you up, abuse you emotionally. I've had that circumstance and maybe you have too. There was someone I hurt and their reaction to that was they wanted to abuse me verbally and emotionally continually and forever and blame everything in the future that was bad in their life on me. I allowed that to go on for a long time and because I couldn't fix anything,

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It just destroyed me day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. And finally, I realized I can't be who I want to be in the world if I let that go on. So I had to stop that. So here are the steps. Step one, step one is to repair what you can. Now, in those cases of trust and fidelity and truth and, you know, betrayal and so you can't really repair a lot because the thing that was most damaged was trust. Now, if there's something you can repair, something you took or

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embezzled or hid or you you can you can repair it you can replace that but trust is that squishy thing right that's hard and so you repair what you can apology whether they accept it or not doesn't matter that isn't on you please hear that they may or may not be ready to have that they may or may not be ready to let you apologize they may or may be sitting there thinking never never bang the fist fist on the table

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So step one is make the repairs you can, including owning it and apologies. The second step is to change who you are, change the pattern so you don't do it again to them or anybody else. Because especially those things that we do that we know are wrong, that are unkind or cruel to someone else. And then we feel bad about it. And that also means I never want to do that again. I never want to be that person again.

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So that's why, you know, change who you are so that you're not that person. So you never can be that again or do it again. So we don't reproduce the damage. Self-hatred is completely different. It does take an act, something that you did, and it turns it into an identity. It says, I am the worst thing I've ever done. That's not true now or ever.

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I don't care what you did. You are not the worst thing you ever did. That is not truth. That's an incomplete and destructive story posing as the whole truth. And all it does is destroy you henceforth or me henceforth and forever. And I love you. I don't want you to be that way. I don't care what you did. Owning it with without excuse and accountability is true and right.

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And fixing what we can is right. And then we change who we are. WIPOS, my core doctrine, begins with worth. Your worth doesn't vanish because you screwed up, even badly. In fact, the recognition that you possess worth is what makes it possible to stop hiding and become someone

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whose actions honor that worth. So I did things that did not honor my worth and it took ownership of that, owning it and saying it and then changing who I am to honor the worth. You my mistake is mine. My responsibility is mine. But that mistake is not the total definition of me. And that's something that people get caught up in. They get the feeling that

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We are defined by the worst thing that we ever did and that's not true unless we allow it Now there's sometimes a question Like why do we do this to ourselves? You know, I ask someone If they treat themselves like they treat others and usually not always but usually the answer is no I treat myself way worse. I speak worse to myself. I get angrier at myself, you know that That kind of thing on and on

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And here's the truth, sometimes this punishment's got a secret job. And I know this so well. Here's what the secret job could be. If I stop feeling bad or awful, maybe that means I don't care anymore. If I forgive myself, maybe I'll do it again. Or if I hurt enough, maybe the person I hurt will somehow know I'm really sorry.

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If I call myself worthless first, then nobody else's judgment can surprise me. Nobody can beat me to it. If I remain the guilty one forever, then I never have to risk becoming a different person. Now, that's a racket worth examining, you know, because all of those things might be something you've said, and none of them have to be true or stay true.

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There is a time when we do something that, you know, sorrow, remorse, fix what you can, change who you are. And then choose to add good to the world. There's a racket worth examining there, not in every sorrow, but sometimes in our attachment, our connection to our own punishment. You can spend and I know because I did this. I failed.

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Three relationships, most of the failure was on me. I realize it takes two to tango, but most of it, I feel like at least was on me. You can spend 20 years, and I did, saying I'm such a freaking failure and still never have to answer a much more difficult and demanding question, which is this, what would a responsible, loving, reliable life look like today?

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What would it look like today if I were a different person? Because that's where we want to go. Who wants to stay stuck in the moment of their worst failure? The first sounds severe, but the second actually asks something of you. Beating yourself up forever is the easy way out. The second one asks us to become something. I want you to think about your own past, whatever's in it. Recovery,

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rebuilding some kind of spiritual return, damaged relationships, a promise that wasn't honored that needs to be honored. A life can contain enormous wreckage and still, and hear this, and this is so meaningful to me because it's true for me, a life can contain enormous wreckage and still become a place in which good is created.

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I had a life that was full of enormous wreckage and Fix what you can Change who you are add good to the world is the place from which that wreckage no longer defines my life The right it's not imaginary wreckage, but The possibility isn't imaginary either Continued self-condemnation can sometimes feel like paying the price

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And I want you to hear those because sometimes it becomes how we avoid paying the real price of change. So here's the five moments I want you to think about that are real forgiveness. This is this is so. Powerful and clear, the first point, the first part, the first five moments or movements, think of them as a symphony, the five movements.

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Forgiveness the symphony or movement number one is truth what happened? Not some pretend or embellished version in which I'm a monster I'm a human I did something on purpose or accidental out of unkindness out of thoughtlessness out of carelessness or accidentally Now there doesn't need to be some embellished

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Version that makes me out to be Godzilla And there also is not a Sanitized it's not the sanitized version where we excuse it and make everybody else at fault Please this is a foundation without step one. Nothing else matters. The truth is what happened Don't make it worse than it was and don't make it better than it was Just tell the truth without the drama

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It's just the actual observable truth. What actually happened? The second part, second movement of this symphony is ownership. Which part of it belongs to me? And this is where that balance between minimizing and maximizing comes in, right? You can say everything's my fault.

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And that's not true, but it becomes a scapegoat place in which it makes sense to beat yourself up forever. And if others buy into it, and I've experienced that, then they pile on and beat you and everything is blamed on you forever. All that does is prevent you from living your light. I want you to hear me. You're a divine being. And I don't care what mistakes you made. If you hang on to that weight forever,

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It simply means you can't be valuable in the future, not even with the lessons you've learned from making that mistake. When we sit in self-flogging all the time, we can't be a light. We remain a miserable martyr in the corner. So it's so critical to own the truth. This is what happened. This is what I did. Selfishly unkind. It was it.

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and the part that belongs to you is the part that belongs to you. Now don't claim anyone else's wrongs and don't give away your own straight up truth. That is liberating and it's actually the only foundation on which forgiveness or continued growth can rest. So tell the truth and own the part that's yours.

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One of the things that I did, maybe you too, I invented a lot of guilt. I invented more and more and made it as big as possible, all aimed at me. And one of the things weird about that is I struggled with depression for decades and I believed I wasn't good enough and I believed I never would be. And so by piling on the guilt, no matter what, it validated this story that I had about being inadequate.

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and bad and not good enough and you know on and on and on. So don't invent guilt and don't have any conveniently missing responsibility. This is the hardest part. Tell the truth and own it. The part that's yours. No sanitizing and no aggrandizing. Part three is repair. Now, like I said, if you stole some money and give it back.

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But the trust isn't the same. can't give that back. Fidelity in a relationship, you can't give that back. Trust in a business relationship, if somebody ripped you off, you can't just give that back. And even if we try, we have no idea if someone can accept it. Somehow in our minds, we have this story that if I apologize and somebody says, oh, it's OK, but that actually makes it OK. And that's nonsense. Hear that.

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I apologize, you tell me it's okay, don't worry about it. And suddenly it's okay. That's a lie. And I'll tell you why. Because it skips the part, okay? It skips the fix what you can. Apology is only one piece. Asking what do I need to do to make this right? How do I fix this? And they may think, and they may just say, screw you, get lost.

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Or they may say there's nothing you can do and that's often the case with trust. Or they may say something thoughtful like, don't know, it's just going to really take some time. Fair enough. And continued punishment of self in that time isn't helpful. So step three is to repair what you can. So that means like apologize without bargaining.

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Right? Without explaining or minimizing. you know, replace whatever you damaged. Tell the truth. Pay what you owe. Whatever, you know, is possible. And here's the key. Restore trust through conduct. That's what I meant when I said a little bit ago, you know, fix what you can and then change who you are. If I'd become a person who would never do that again, lie, cheat, steal,

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Slag somebody whatever it was if I'd become a person who wouldn't do that again then restoring trust takes consistent conduct over time sometimes repairs take years and some are utterly impossible and some contact may be Inappropriate because the other person may have established a boundary Respecting that doesn't prevent you from forgiving yourself

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It doesn't prevent you from stopping the judgment, firing the courtroom, getting rid of the jury and the executioner in your head. Someone else not being ready to move on doesn't prevent you from changing. It doesn't prevent you from owning what you did. It doesn't prevent you from becoming a new person. And it doesn't prevent you from the most important piece, which is to add good to the world.

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change who you are and then through your conduct, demonstrate that. Now, if contact is inappropriate because of boundaries, that's OK. That does not affect your ability to change. It does not affect your ability to forgive yourself. Step four is reconstruction. OK, and so if I did something. Then I was a person who did that by lied, then I'm a person who would lie in that circumstance.

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to protect myself, to control the narrative, you know, whatever. So the question here really is what belief or choice or habit or agreement or pattern allowed this thing to happen in the first place? Like, what was it in me that thought that was what I needed to do right then? And after I identify that, I was careless, I was stupid, I didn't think it mattered. I was scared, I was unkind, I was a coward, you know, whatever it was.

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And the next question is what really matters. What has to change so that the next person meets somebody different? Like I was a person that did whatever that was, failed in that way, unfaithful to a spouse. What has to change in me so that the next person meets a completely different Kellan or you? For you, that's the key. So fix what you can change who you are.

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And then step five is to release Release letting it go is important here. Here's the key you guys If I keep holding on to this forever and ever It doesn't fix anything It doesn't restore trust All it does is it prevents you and me? From adding good to the world it prevents you and me

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from being the light we could be. It prevents you and me from sharing the lessons we've learned from those mistakes powerfully. We can talk about them as we still, I can never forgive myself. That is a weak ass position to teach from. A strong position. Fix what you can, change who you are, and then add good to the world. That's one of the reasons you see often

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You know, I've been in several rehab facilities and programs and stuff over many years. And often the counselors there, the people that are working with those trying to fix their lives, guess where they came from? Addiction and struggle. You know, they had problems and they said, I'm not going to do this. They overcame them. then immediately they want to add good to the world. They turn around and say, I want to be part of the team that helps. I want to be part of the team.

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that builds that now helps other people avoid the traps I fell into. OK, now here's the release. Once you or I we face the truth and we take whatever available action is, including change, changing who we are, then we got to stop pretending that my continued suffering gives you some kind of moral superiority. We're not valuable there.

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We're only valuable if we return to life, to love and to service. And so I invite you right now to release those things. Continued self-punishment doesn't serve you and it doesn't serve others. So if you want to really matter, forgive yourself and move on. Fix what you can, change who you are, and then make a choice to move on. The other person or people may never forgive you. They may never see you again.

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They may never want to. They may draw boundaries. Got to remember they have sovereignty and their forgiveness is not yours or mine to demand. And whether or not they offer that is not a determinative about your moving forward. It'd be great. If that happened. But they're on their own journey.

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and that they will come to where they come in whatever the time frame is. Maybe you have carried around a pain for a long time and you haven't been able to forgive someone. Do they know that? Are they feeling that? No, you're just carrying that weight, that trauma, that pain. if you are the we've been talking as if you were the perpetrator or I was the perpetrator of whatever it was.

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But even if I'm the receptor, as long as I continue to carry that, then I keep allowing some event that happened in the past to have power in the present. So if you and so we're back to the other side now talking as if you or I had done something. If we continue punishing ourselves forever.

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We are completely muzzled in our ability to be powerful, a powerful advocate for good. If you want to use a spiritual term, there's the term repentance. Anyone that goes to church of any kind knows that word. And let's take it out of the religious context. Repentance is a change of direction. I just want you to think about that. I was going in this direction and it led me here to this place where I did or said

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This set of things, you know, I was drug addict and unfaithful and a pathological liar. So my path led me there. A change of direction is I'm now facing a new direction. Honor, keeping my word, fixing what I can, changing who I am, which is what I was doing. So repentance. Here's all it is, whether you use that word or not. It's simply a change of direction. It is not a lifetime subscription.

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to self-contempt.

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It is not lifetime membership in the I hate me I'll never be good enough club. That place never leads anywhere good because I lived there I know it. So here's something that I've said often as I talk about this subject is kind of funny. Those who dare greatly fail greatly. So carry a big blanket of forgiveness.

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If we try to stay safe and only do things we know we can do, we won't accomplish much.

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we're growing in stature physically and maturing in spirit or an energy energetic being We're gonna make mistakes. I don't know about you, but I've made many for which I have had to beg forgiveness and I have learned to forgive myself It doesn't take away what happened

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And after we go through the steps, I fixed what I can. have completely changed who I am. The third and last part of that is to add good to the world. And that means just what it sounds like. Serve, love, create, do the things that are uniquely yours to do that are good. Learn the painful lessons of the mistakes you've made and use those to power up good that you can add or I can add to the world.

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So that's a funny one. Write it down. Those who dare greatly fail greatly. So carry a big blanket of forgiveness, not a tiny handkerchief you offer only after someone has proved they're good enough. A blanket large enough for real human life. You know what has made me feel completely liberated and free every day? I have a statement in my morning creation and it goes like this. I am forgiveness.

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I hold no negative emotion or feeling against anyone for anything ever, including myself. I have compassion and kindness for everyone, for everything, including myself. So I have a gigantic blanket of forgiveness all over the place. I simply forgive everybody everything. I don't care what they do or say. And it hasn't been easy to get there. But what I realize is every person, including me and you, we're just people going through life.

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And I don't know about you, but I have done things that today I can't even imagine being the person who would do them. Okay. And I am not that person now. And I am adding all the good to the world I can with the music I write and the podcasts and the books and everything else. It's not going to make what I did go away. But again, it's the formula. Fix what I can, change who I am and add good to the world.

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It's not our place to extract justice. You know, there's laws for some things, but most of the mistakes and pain that we suffer doesn't have anything to do with that. It's the pain of betrayal and companionship and selfishness and kindness and all the rest. And we don't have the power to fix that. Only the divine has that. So if we carry a tiny little handkerchief,

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And we wave it to forgive somebody after they've crawled over broken glass. That's poison in the relationship. So for me, I say I forgive everyone, everything all the time. Grace, patience, compassion for everybody, for everything, because I know what it's like to be on the other side. So that's what I do, and consequently, I carry nothing. That is got to include people that disappoint you.

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in little ways and small ways and giant ways. It's got to include those that are still learning and it includes the person in the mirror. See, one of the things that's made me learn this so powerfully is as I have grown from my own mistakes and learning these principles of forgiveness, forgiving myself has allowed me to add good to the world. It has allowed me to be happy.

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It has allowed me to be joyful and uplifting. I am light and invite you home to yourself. I am fire and infuse your heart with courage. I couldn't be that in honor and honesty, still carrying the rocks of beating myself up. All that does, like I said, gets in the way of me and you using the gifts and talents that we have to bless others because I'm busy inflicting

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and then caring for the wounds of beating myself up for things that I've done in the past. Now what that also does is when I look at the mistakes I've made, it makes it really easy for me to forgive everybody because I know that I needed it. And so I give it completely freely and consequently I'm open. I'm free. I'm liberated.

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So when a child touches a hot stove, you know, love doesn't say, ahead and do it again. So let's not confuse forgiveness with permissiveness or weakness or anything else. Forgiveness isn't enabling. If you've touched a hot stove, don't say love doesn't say do it again. Love teaches, protects.

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and helps a lesson become lived wisdom. So what if the voice you used with yourself

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were two things, completely truthful and completely loving.

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I don't know about you, but I lived in a place where I was truthful. Actually, I wasn't. I exaggerated everything and wildly made it worse. And I was utterly vicious. And consequently, I live in a place of self-loathing all the time. What did that do? It just completed the cycle. More things happened. I hate myself more. And around and around it went until I broke it. Fix what you can, change who you are and add good to the world.

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So what does it sound like to be completely truthful and loving? Well, here's some examples. That was wrong. I own it. Completely.

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I can understand why I did something without approving of it. I you know, there were times in my life when I viewed what was important and not important completely differently than I did now. That was when I was focusing mostly on what what's in it for me, a selfish way. And so I was looking out for always what do I get? And I was not concerned with, you know, consequences of on others. That's now completely changed.

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But I can understand why I did something and still not approve of it. We can grieve what was lost without becoming the loss. Without identifying and swimming in it. I can make amends to people without trying to control the response. A mistake I made a lot was I assumed that I couldn't complete fixing something or repenting or changing or whatever word you want to use.

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until somebody else said, OK, I forgive you. And that's completely a different track. Like we talked about a minute ago, I can't control where someone is on their own journey. Neither can someone control where they are or I am. If someone apologizes to me and I'm not there, I can't just say I can't accept that. That doesn't mean they didn't make a sincere effort, and it doesn't mean they shouldn't forgive themselves. It means I am not ready. And maybe I haven't even tried to be ready.

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Maybe I enjoy hanging on to the bitterness or anger. I don't. And that's one of the reasons why my saying is, am forgiveness with compassion, grace and patience for everyone, for everything, including myself.

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I can make amends and I cannot control the response. I can also be willing completely to be different now.

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I am forgiveness and I invite you to be forgiveness. Forgive yourself. Fix what you can and change who you are and then add good to the world. I am forgiveness not because everything was okay, but because forgiveness is the being from which I choose to respond and it feels good and liberating and free and it doesn't pretend anything away. Love is not refusing to look at the wound.

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Love is refusing to make the wound your permanent name. Now as we go through life, yesterday's going to show up again and again. Memory returns, a scent, a surprising scent, smell, right? An anniversary, a song, a photograph. You might feel that old sinking sensation, just like nothing's changed. A memory is not a command to reopen the act.

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The real questions are really simple. Is there a new fact I got to face? Is there an actual repair that's still available? Is there still a pattern that I need to change because I haven't fully become someone different? Or am I simply repeating an old punishment? If there's an action, take it. If there's grief, allow it. If professional help is needed, trusted counselor or a coach or a difficult conversation is needed, then get the help.

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But don't confuse the recurrence of pain that comes from the memory with some divine requirement to beat up yourself. You cannot change the date on the calendar where the mistake happened. But you can change, choose who walks into the room today.

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The world is not changed for the better if you or I stay living permanently beneath the rubble of a former life. Hear that. Forgive yourself. Fix what you can, change who you are and forgive yourself. I want to see the light. I want to see the beauty that is you. Even though there are scars and pain. I want you to here's an invitation. I want you to look at one thing in where you're keeping

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where you keep punishing yourself. So what happened?

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What is yours to hold? What repair remains? Who will I be now?

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And how will I choose to add good to the world? That's the best restitution we can make. Be a source of love, of light and of good. Take one honest action and don't ask the past for permission.

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So we're back where we started. Stop punishing yourself. Not because the past doesn't matter. Not because we're ignoring it or pretending it away. But because it mattered enough to teach you something so that the rest of your life matters too.

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Don't let the past ruin the present. Own it. Repair what you can. Forgive and then become. Use the life that's still in your hands to add some damn good to the world. I learned that and I live it. And what happens now is I get to live.

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for massive growth is right in front of you. Every episode gives you practical tips and practices that will change everything. If you want to know more, go to kellenflugingermedia.com. If you want more free tools, go here, yourultimatelife.ca. Subscribe, share.

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